I was touched. Again.
I cried. Again.
The sheer realization that I am living in a world where being innocent, and genuinely caring for others leads you nowhere just hit me..was watching "Dasvidaniyaan" again tonight, and was truly relishing the child like innocence of Vinay Pathak...he zealously grabbing a handful of 'imli' candies in the flight for his childhood buddy..and then telliing the airhostess--"Mere dost ko bahut pasand hain!!"...and then landing at his place..feeling dil-se happy that he has prospered..and then being turned down disdainfully by the snobbish, so-called self proclaimed sophisticates...because they think..nobody would travel half way round the world..just to meet an ol' pal!
Not that I was watching this for the first time, but the whole idea of how majority of this world thinks and works has me in tears today..and I need to look inside..shield myself from being THEM...but am scared..scared even to look inside..coz I might realize, that I am already one of them!! Yes..I am not the same person, I used to be..and I am feeling miserable about it..few yaers back, I was much more thoughtful..much more caring..and I could empathize more with people..
I still recall..I couldn't sleep the whole night on the day Gujarat was hit by that ghastly earthquake..we were having food when the news broke..800 people die..for a minute, I was numb...and when my senses came back...I could hear my family talking about it...post dinner everybody was back to their own lives..as if nothing had happened...and as if it was just another piece of news..were 800 lives just a nothing..why were they not feeling sad about it..how could they be so ok, when so many people have lost their near ones..More than the death toll, what worried me that night was the lack of empathy in my fellow beings..the fact that it didn't matter to them mattered to me..
Huh..that was then..and now?
I believe, I have become more selfish. In other words, I have grown up.
I do not send out hand made cards with personalized poems written on them to friends any more..I do not think months before mumma-papa's anniversary gift..I do not arrange surprise B'day parties for my flat mates...and do not play any pranks with pals...what's wrong with me?
My emotions have dried up..and oh..have I started thinking twice before passing a smile to people..on the surface, it might feel, that my life is more stable than before..things are under control..am doing reasonably ok in my career..but inside...is there a hollow somewhere..a feeling that I don't belong here..and that I need to preserve whatever little is left of my own self..or else..this loss of innocence and warmth would leave me dead...
No. I want to be alive. Again.
Showing posts with label I me myself. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I me myself. Show all posts
Monday, June 15, 2009
Friday, August 15, 2008
Reviving the lost freedom!
I woke up to the sounds of "Jhanda Ooncha Rahe Hamara" today morning from the nearby school..and in a flash..all of the memories of this special day that I have nurtured since childhood came alive...and then I was wondering..how my definition of "FREEDOM" has changed over time.
Long back, at kindergarten, "FREEDOM" was something to be celebrated by drawing a tricolor using pastels, and taking it to school, all dressed up for the parade, early in the morning. Of course, I am not forgetting the boondi laddoos, we used to get in return, after listening to hours of patriotic speeches, and songs.
Then came the next stage, when the idea of INDEPENDENCE day started meaning a Holiday. I remember celebrating many such independence days with family, and friends all going to a picninc spot. Of course, the patriotic songs now got replaced with Antakshari, and tambola games.
Growing up further, all my NCERT books taught me the freedom struggle, and the sacrifices people made to make India a free country. Henceforth, I would remember those freedom fighters in great awe, and thank God, that the Britishers have left.
Then there came a time at high school, when I wrote speeches to mark this day. .and then practised for hours in front of the mirror, making sure, I do not mess up, on the D-day. I still remember my trembling feet, when I gave my first Independence Day speech in front of an entire school..my nerves shaking, and my hands wet with sweat, even in the month of August.
By now, I had started appreciating this day, and its significance in the life of Indians..and to me, it meant an occasion that NEEDS to be celebrated...But then my little heart was shattered as I started realising, that in essence to most people, this day does not mean more than a public holiday, a dry day, and a day to savour free laddoos, or a day to make some money by selling tricolors at traffic signals, and that most people even don't realise that this is a special day..Believe me, I was in tears, when I realised the apathy of people towards this day for the first time..even wrote a poem pouring all that I felt on paper..I was probably too shielded from the real world problems to understand that you can't celebrate freedom, when you have needs like food and clothing to worry about..and when you don't know, when you'll be having your next meal, and when you have a leaking roof that needs to be catered more importantly, than celebrating freedom...So freedom loses all meaning without the basic needs being addressed.
We were not a free country in my eyes now.
As time passed by, I found myself guilty of losing my childhood perspective on this subject, and was facing the obvious consequences of growing up, and getting more individualistic at the same time.
For me, 'MY' freedom was precious..freedom to do what I want to do in Life, freedom to skip prayers at home, freedom to go to movies at will...But there was a growing anguish inside...when I started learning, that I can't do all that I want..and that I am bound by the family, and society at large to make sure, my actions do not break their medieval aged rituals, and their hard set of unshakable rules which never made any sense to me...
Neither India was free, nor I was.
And then it was the last weekend I finished reading A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini. Set in the backdrop of Afghanistan, the novel is a devastating tale of two women who endure the unendurable at each and every step in their lives..You start reading the book, and a lump starts growing in your throat..and just when you start thinking..nothing worse can happen..you are thrown into the next piece of wreckage.Even the basic human rights were denied to these women under the Taliban regime.The atrocities that they tolerated during that time are enough to make your hair raised at ends..
Turning every fresh page made me realize how much more FREE I am..how much more blessed I am..and the almost dead, hopeless freedom suddenly got resurrected with a new, fresh face.
Happy Independence Day!!
Long back, at kindergarten, "FREEDOM" was something to be celebrated by drawing a tricolor using pastels, and taking it to school, all dressed up for the parade, early in the morning. Of course, I am not forgetting the boondi laddoos, we used to get in return, after listening to hours of patriotic speeches, and songs.
Then came the next stage, when the idea of INDEPENDENCE day started meaning a Holiday. I remember celebrating many such independence days with family, and friends all going to a picninc spot. Of course, the patriotic songs now got replaced with Antakshari, and tambola games.
Growing up further, all my NCERT books taught me the freedom struggle, and the sacrifices people made to make India a free country. Henceforth, I would remember those freedom fighters in great awe, and thank God, that the Britishers have left.
Then there came a time at high school, when I wrote speeches to mark this day. .and then practised for hours in front of the mirror, making sure, I do not mess up, on the D-day. I still remember my trembling feet, when I gave my first Independence Day speech in front of an entire school..my nerves shaking, and my hands wet with sweat, even in the month of August.
By now, I had started appreciating this day, and its significance in the life of Indians..and to me, it meant an occasion that NEEDS to be celebrated...But then my little heart was shattered as I started realising, that in essence to most people, this day does not mean more than a public holiday, a dry day, and a day to savour free laddoos, or a day to make some money by selling tricolors at traffic signals, and that most people even don't realise that this is a special day..Believe me, I was in tears, when I realised the apathy of people towards this day for the first time..even wrote a poem pouring all that I felt on paper..I was probably too shielded from the real world problems to understand that you can't celebrate freedom, when you have needs like food and clothing to worry about..and when you don't know, when you'll be having your next meal, and when you have a leaking roof that needs to be catered more importantly, than celebrating freedom...So freedom loses all meaning without the basic needs being addressed.
We were not a free country in my eyes now.
As time passed by, I found myself guilty of losing my childhood perspective on this subject, and was facing the obvious consequences of growing up, and getting more individualistic at the same time.
For me, 'MY' freedom was precious..freedom to do what I want to do in Life, freedom to skip prayers at home, freedom to go to movies at will...But there was a growing anguish inside...when I started learning, that I can't do all that I want..and that I am bound by the family, and society at large to make sure, my actions do not break their medieval aged rituals, and their hard set of unshakable rules which never made any sense to me...
Neither India was free, nor I was.
And then it was the last weekend I finished reading A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini. Set in the backdrop of Afghanistan, the novel is a devastating tale of two women who endure the unendurable at each and every step in their lives..You start reading the book, and a lump starts growing in your throat..and just when you start thinking..nothing worse can happen..you are thrown into the next piece of wreckage.Even the basic human rights were denied to these women under the Taliban regime.The atrocities that they tolerated during that time are enough to make your hair raised at ends..
Turning every fresh page made me realize how much more FREE I am..how much more blessed I am..and the almost dead, hopeless freedom suddenly got resurrected with a new, fresh face.
Happy Independence Day!!
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Seven things I can't stand
1. The mention of my marriage to my mummy by my mummy's aunt's chacha's bahu's friend. I mean boss..mind your own lives..your nose ends where mine begins.
2. Women bitching about their in-laws(Well that's the most common breed)..or anybody else for that matter.
3. Lizards..eeeeexx!!
4. Kids acting too grown up for their age.
5. Saas bahu serials.
6. Intrusion in my space..its sacred to me.
7. Bugs in my code!!!
2. Women bitching about their in-laws(Well that's the most common breed)..or anybody else for that matter.
3. Lizards..eeeeexx!!
4. Kids acting too grown up for their age.
5. Saas bahu serials.
6. Intrusion in my space..its sacred to me.
7. Bugs in my code!!!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Dreams Unlimited!!
This one's from my diary..m a dreamer..din dahare kabhi bi, kahin bhi khuli aankhon se sapne dekhna shuru..its but natural, that some of them do shatter, and leave a lil tear rolling down somewhere in that deep secret corner. Dreams do fly high, but they do fall down as well..amazing world..they fly, and I fly higher..and in the wink of an eye..lo..they are gone..but no matter what, I'll not stop dreaming:-)
Cheers to all dreamers!
From the window of my dreams,
My thoughts do fly,
Aiming high,
Into the limitless sky,
Softly they whisper
into my ear everyday,
"Don't shut this window dear,
Come what may.
We as dreams,
You can give us a try
Some of us might live with you,
and some of us might die.
But don't shed a tear for us,
and promise you'll never cry,
'coz the footprints we've left,
will always guide you by."
..and to keep my promise,
I open this window everyday,
To nurture new dreams,
and old memories that stay,
..for every new dream
is a brand new beginning,
a sunrise, bringing in me
new hopes, with a bright new ray!!
Cheers to all dreamers!
From the window of my dreams,
My thoughts do fly,
Aiming high,
Into the limitless sky,
Softly they whisper
into my ear everyday,
"Don't shut this window dear,
Come what may.
We as dreams,
You can give us a try
Some of us might live with you,
and some of us might die.
But don't shed a tear for us,
and promise you'll never cry,
'coz the footprints we've left,
will always guide you by."
..and to keep my promise,
I open this window everyday,
To nurture new dreams,
and old memories that stay,
..for every new dream
is a brand new beginning,
a sunrise, bringing in me
new hopes, with a bright new ray!!
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