I was touched. Again.
I cried. Again.
The sheer realization that I am living in a world where being innocent, and genuinely caring for others leads you nowhere just hit me..was watching "Dasvidaniyaan" again tonight, and was truly relishing the child like innocence of Vinay Pathak...he zealously grabbing a handful of 'imli' candies in the flight for his childhood buddy..and then telliing the airhostess--"Mere dost ko bahut pasand hain!!"...and then landing at his place..feeling dil-se happy that he has prospered..and then being turned down disdainfully by the snobbish, so-called self proclaimed sophisticates...because they think..nobody would travel half way round the world..just to meet an ol' pal!
Not that I was watching this for the first time, but the whole idea of how majority of this world thinks and works has me in tears today..and I need to look inside..shield myself from being THEM...but am scared..scared even to look inside..coz I might realize, that I am already one of them!! Yes..I am not the same person, I used to be..and I am feeling miserable about it..few yaers back, I was much more thoughtful..much more caring..and I could empathize more with people..
I still recall..I couldn't sleep the whole night on the day Gujarat was hit by that ghastly earthquake..we were having food when the news broke..800 people die..for a minute, I was numb...and when my senses came back...I could hear my family talking about it...post dinner everybody was back to their own lives..as if nothing had happened...and as if it was just another piece of news..were 800 lives just a nothing..why were they not feeling sad about it..how could they be so ok, when so many people have lost their near ones..More than the death toll, what worried me that night was the lack of empathy in my fellow beings..the fact that it didn't matter to them mattered to me..
Huh..that was then..and now?
I believe, I have become more selfish. In other words, I have grown up.
I do not send out hand made cards with personalized poems written on them to friends any more..I do not think months before mumma-papa's anniversary gift..I do not arrange surprise B'day parties for my flat mates...and do not play any pranks with pals...what's wrong with me?
My emotions have dried up..and oh..have I started thinking twice before passing a smile to people..on the surface, it might feel, that my life is more stable than before..things are under control..am doing reasonably ok in my career..but inside...is there a hollow somewhere..a feeling that I don't belong here..and that I need to preserve whatever little is left of my own self..or else..this loss of innocence and warmth would leave me dead...
No. I want to be alive. Again.
2 comments:
Touching..This reminds me of the Bob Dylan song - 'Things have changed'. Some snippets -
...
People are crazy and times are strange
I’m locked in tight, I’m outta range
I used to care, but things have changed.
...
I hurt easy, I just don’t show it.
You can hurt someone and not even know it
...
"I was touched. Again.
I cried. Again."
Crying for a movie may say more than you wish to reveal. Good to see that you feel strongly.
But have you done something?
You work with kids - its one thing to have a good time with them as they are naturally enthusiastic, but have you helped one in facing his inner battles? Has a kid made you see your ugly side? Or is it just fun and games and sweets?
Easy to cry, tough to make a difference.
I say this in good faith. Peace be with you.
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