Life: A pleasure or..

Here came the dawn,
Oh! beautiful it seemed,
with the lovely dew drops,
and the rays that peeped.
The bubbling water, and the gurgling river,
with the stars twinkling out of the sky's quiver,
The cool, calm breeze, that gave me peace,
with the lovely blossoms swinging on the trees.
I felt secured in the laps of LIFE.
Ah! Life's a pleasure, with no signs of strife.

But then came something, shaking my mind and soul,
and turned my painting sad on the whole..
A pair of sad eyes, reflecting the darkness of heart..
Looking hopelessly at me..I was really hurt..
He was in rags, with a sack on the back,
sorrows n' darkness, that was all in the sack.
I asked, if he ever liked to study.
He burst out-"Are you playing a joke on my poverty?"
"When hunger and cries-they all are around,
I have nothin to worry, but a grain and shroud!"

I couldn't utter a word you know..
I had no courage for even sympathy to show..
I felt guilty of myself, and guilty of my wealth,
Of what use was it, amidst all these sorrows I felt..
The adult childhood as if slapped me at once,
and revealed the darkness, that couldn't be lit up by a thousand suns,
The dawn to me seemed horrible as never before,
and the dew drops were now the tears ashore,
The rays made me feel afraid of light,
And I tried to hide my face out of fright,
The river had gone dry, like the joys in his heart, I was sure,
The stars had gone dimmer, and twinkled no more,
The blossoms this time were dull and dry,
For the bud that was nipped had made them shy.

I felt insecured in the laps of sorrows,
At the thought of those, who had no dawn, no morrows..
The struggle n' strife were revealed somehow,
..n life was no more..a pleasure to me now...

Lets spread some cheer ppl!!

Nothing like situation extraordinaire..just a commonplace conversation not lasting more than two minutes..but that left a feel good factor lingering behind..so much so that I am scribbling this almost two weeks later.
So I was visiting this restaurant located at a really busy hub for lunch with a friend. Needless to mention, it was weekend, so the parking had some waiting..and while we were supposed to be complaining about the crowd, and the traffic, and the weather, and the work, and the neighbors, and their maids, a petite lady in her late twenties walked towards us with smile. She was clad in a plain uniform saari, and with her bindi, and neatly braided hair, looked like any ordinary working class female. There was some cheerful aura about her...and in a truly pleasing demeanor, she asks:"Sir, aap yahan lunch karne aaye hain?[smile]"

We nodded.
"O..Rajdhani me kya[smile]?"
We smiled back.
"Sir, wo kya hai..abhi parking thodi full hai[and a short grin]..par 5 minutes..just 5 minutes me number aa jayega..waise bhi aapko lunch karna hai..5 minutes should be ok naa?[and a continuous smile] "
We couldn't obviously say no to the invitation.
"And sir, here's your parking ticket. Isko Rajdhani me dikhaiye..you'll get it refunded.[smile]"
We hand off the parking fees, and grab the ticket.
"Have a nice lunch![smile]"
And off she goes..to the next car in the queue.
And while she goes about spreading the same cheer, without showing any signs of fatigue after having stood for so long in the sun, and catering to the maddening rush, we realize that she just did a magic trick, and we were talking about her while smiling all the way instead of complaining about the world around..
She had no reason to treat strangers like us that nicely..and yet she did it..
And I should have thanked her for doing this then and there..but somehow I din't.
So here, this blog's a testimony to the parking lady, and everyone like her, who do their jobs with a smile, and are the real life cheerleaders!
And while I sign off, let's make this world a better place to live in.
S.M.I.L.E ppl!!

Footprints...

I am sure it happens to everyone.

People touch your life with their presence, then become an integral part of your joys and sorrows, and then in a whiff, go away. It is ironical...when you are with them, the mere thought of parting causes an ache in the heart, but when it actually happens, you tend to move on with your lives, that makes you feel…was that all? All those times we laughed together…and cried, all those days when we would spend hours talking...and those when we never knew, what to talk...beautiful memories…and darkest fears...all get packed in some remote corner of your memories...only to be opened in one quiet moment like this today..

It happened to me at school...parting with friends...and it happened again at college…I don't know what happened to so many of my friends...no idea what they are doing and how they are doing...no idea what they look like…and no idea if I'll ever meet them to tell, "Hey, I care."

And in such solitary moments, when you start turning back the pages of life, it’s not just people you recognize as friends, but many other unnamed relations, which cross your thoughts…this post today is a recollection of some of those people, and the footprints they left behind…

The earliest memories that beckon me are of “Maan ji”- a frail old widow, always dressed in 5 yards of humble white cotton, a wry, toothless face showing the signs of all pains that life had inflicted on her, and a pair of gentle, pale eyes with a hint of pearly grey, that would shower us with all the blessings known to mankind!
And oh! The important part - she wore beautiful and really heavy anklets, which made her vulnerable to all sort of greedy eyes.
We had no ties of blood with her…but from the times I recall, I had always seen her coming to our home very often, almost on a daily basis…she would nurse us as kids, and we would treat her as a granny…her family had taken all her property, and abandoned the poor soul…and for all the love and care she found in our family, she would keep on blessing us endlessly…”Neesa” is what she would call me…I have seen you aging maan-ji, and then going to a state of complete loneliness…you couldn’t walk then, and stayed in a small, very small, damp, shanty abode, and I would often have to accompany my mom, despite all the nagging, to your place to give you food…I still recall your last days, when you would want to say so many things, but your body won’t let you…you would want to talk to someone…anyone, but I would not have the patience to listen…or the care to stay…I was wrong Maan-ji…I shouldn’t have been so mean to run away, when you once held my hand tight, and wanted me to sit and talk…but then..I was a kid, wasn’t I? I wasn’t sad, when you died, and no one else was, but if I look back now, I wonder at how you were able to retain all your sweet goodness, despite life being so bitter to you…

Move on…and I can see “Chote maharaj” standing with his calm smile, gleaming with a divine halo, which I am too ignorant to write about…we had just moved in into a new neighborhood, a place surrounded by what people call “The Ashram”- a holy abode of some saints of Naath sampradaya – a sect that worships Lord Shiva. I was in class 8, when we started visiting the Ashram on a daily basis…come teatime, and we would rush for our daily prayers, and Prasad, along with the assignments Chote Maharaj had given us to finish…he was the one who inspired me to write…write about a wide variety of topics, and before writing, do all sort of research possible…we did not have internet those days, so research wasn’t that accessible, and I remember digging into all sorts of old newspapers and magazines to find out information that was relevant…those essays, and later poems helped me form some strong, fundamental ideas about good and bad, developed the traits of reasoning, and debate, besides helping me strengthen the way I express myself…you constantly inspired me to do better, to grow as a human…time went on passing by…as I grew busy with studies, my trips to Ashram changed from daily to weekly to monthly…and now it’s been years… today I have no idea where you are Chote Maharaj, but somewhere deep inside, a part of me will always owe so much to you!

They say that life is the biggest teacher. For me, life came in the form of “Neelu maa’m”-my English teacher back in the high school days…you arrived when I just needed you the most…and you instilled in me the confidence to conquer all that I wanted…and then you left…no idea…to where…but I hope to meet you someday maa’m, and want to hear it from you, that I make you feel good about being a teacher…the world is too small…and I am sure someday, our roads will cross again…I have no idea, how to find you…but somewhere deep, I’ll always respect you…and love you!

Lots of thoughts drifting in my mind…and a lot many footprints still need to be dug up…and cherished… 26 years after all is a long time!

Some part of me still wants to hold those past memories together...cocooned, and take them along to the future...and keep their warmth alive...

Here's a toast to all those old memories.
Cheers!

Loss of innocence

I was touched. Again.
I cried. Again.
The sheer realization that I am living in a world where being innocent, and genuinely caring for others leads you nowhere just hit me..was watching "Dasvidaniyaan" again tonight, and was truly relishing the child like innocence of Vinay Pathak...he zealously grabbing a handful of 'imli' candies in the flight for his childhood buddy..and then telliing the airhostess--"Mere dost ko bahut pasand hain!!"...and then landing at his place..feeling dil-se happy that he has prospered..and then being turned down disdainfully by the snobbish, so-called self proclaimed sophisticates...because they think..nobody would travel half way round the world..just to meet an ol' pal!
Not that I was watching this for the first time, but the whole idea of how majority of this world thinks and works has me in tears today..and I need to look inside..shield myself from being THEM...but am scared..scared even to look inside..coz I might realize, that I am already one of them!! Yes..I am not the same person, I used to be..and I am feeling miserable about it..few yaers back, I was much more thoughtful..much more caring..and I could empathize more with people..
I still recall..I couldn't sleep the whole night on the day Gujarat was hit by that ghastly earthquake..we were having food when the news broke..800 people die..for a minute, I was numb...and when my senses came back...I could hear my family talking about it...post dinner everybody was back to their own lives..as if nothing had happened...and as if it was just another piece of news..were 800 lives just a nothing..why were they not feeling sad about it..how could they be so ok, when so many people have lost their near ones..More than the death toll, what worried me that night was the lack of empathy in my fellow beings..the fact that it didn't matter to them mattered to me..
Huh..that was then..and now?
I believe, I have become more selfish. In other words, I have grown up.
I do not send out hand made cards with personalized poems written on them to friends any more..I do not think months before mumma-papa's anniversary gift..I do not arrange surprise B'day parties for my flat mates...and do not play any pranks with pals...what's wrong with me?
My emotions have dried up..and oh..have I started thinking twice before passing a smile to people..on the surface, it might feel, that my life is more stable than before..things are under control..am doing reasonably ok in my career..but inside...is there a hollow somewhere..a feeling that I don't belong here..and that I need to preserve whatever little is left of my own self..or else..this loss of innocence and warmth would leave me dead...
No. I want to be alive. Again.

Color coded!!

They say..a picture is worth thousand words..so here are two thousand from me:)

Yes..m playing with C.O.L.O.R.S these days..and thoroughly enjoying!

Experiencing SOS..

"Akka, please come to my home na..pleeeeeeease, pleeeeeease!!", and before I could say something, a tiny hand grips mine tightly, and we start running across the green field with a bunch of others towards the HOME. The warmth is infectious, and the invitation a genuine one, straight from the heart, and I just keep following them to their respective HOMES. They take me in, and their mother welcomes me open-heartedly. A neatly arranged house...nothing fancy..two simple wooden sofas with clean, cotton upholstery and nicely arranged cushions, right in front of the entrance, a dining table towards the left, and a painting of Jesus on the right wall..little further inside, you find a beautifully illuminated temple area, with lots of deities, and something in the air just makes you want to join hands and say a little prayer. My fellow companions introduce me to their family excitedly, and then show me around the house.."Akka, this is my bed..and this is our cupboard for school uniforms..Akka, this one belongs to Prasanna",and he opens it quickly.. "Haw..you keep your cupboard so messed up Prasanna!!", bang comes the comment from him, as if he was already prepared to say this. I can' help but smiling at their banter. He's still holding my finger..and showing me his bedroom...a dorm like setting..neat and simple..meanwhile, his siblings have also joined us and I am showered with questions.."Akka...when will you come back?"..and questioning eyes..I don't want to disappoint them, but then I don't want to give them any false indications just to keep their heart..so I try moving on to the next question..but I can't. He insists, "Akka..please come naa"..and a toothless smile..God..he knows the tactics so well..An invitaion with such a beautiful smile is not easy to turn down..I tell him.."I'll come back soon", and give him an assured look.

Tring tring..my cell rings..and its Deepali at the other end. "Hey Nimisha! Hurry up! We got to leave!"..I don't feel like leaving..and don't feel like believing that the day is just over..I give him a hug, say good bye to the rest and rush to catch the bus..cheerfully waving good bye to others I met on the way to the bus.

And the day is indeed over..but what a truly amazing day it was! It all started at 10 in the morning at the SOS campus, where we picked up the kids and their mothers and started off for Birla Planetarium and Science Museum. We were few folks from office, and we divided the kids, around 95 in number into 8 groups. Each of us led a group of kids for the day, and they were our responsibility today! I quickly got to know the names of many, though they found my name a bit confusing..nimisha, manisha..whatever..and who cares..they could just call me "Akka". My group was a bunch of second class kids..4 girls and 4 guys, all full of energy..truly excited for their outing.No..not all..most of them..I found one of the girls really shy, and not getting along with most of the other kids initially..but later she was alright. Anyways, we decided to call our team "Jhinga la la", and our team cheer turned out to be "Jhinga la la..hoo ha!"..no surprises here.

As our fully loaded bus jostled its way through the dusty roads, I realized I was packed with these bundles of energy. We started shouting our team cheer in high spirits..we were the first team to come up with this, and hence had already made headway here..soon Tarun's Dons pitched in..5th graders..and smart ones..their pitches easily made ours go psssssssst! On the way...we played Antakshari..of course I was just a spectator..I know nothing of Telugu music..and we talked about Chiranjeevi, and Anushka, and Charmee, and Gopichand..and a bunch of other actors I can't recall..we discussed what they want to be when they grow up...and their ambitions are as varying as they are..Priyanka wants to be a software engineer(should I show her the reality of our lives..lols), Adisheshu wants to go to the army..and Vaishnavi wants to do painting..and Meera.she just wants to help others! Nothing different so far..kids are kids anywhere..and that's the best thing about them. Unlike grown ups, they don't judge you..they don't care who you are, what you do, how you look, and how you speak..all this reminds me of the song:

I don't care who you are,

where you're from,

what you do,

as long as you love me.....

Just love them..and you'll get it back.

Back on track..the bus was full to capacity, and I found place on a pedestal..I had no qualms sitting there, and was sitting perfectly okay when a pair of hands rested on my shoulders. I looked up, and behold! All the kids had squeezed themselves to make space for me..they asked me to sit there..and the chaalu that I am..I took the promise, that they are not gonna fight, if they want me to sit with them..win win situation for me! And to nobody's wonder, I found myself squeezed between them in a minute.

We reach the venue..and its already lunch time..all of us sit down in the gardens in respective groups, and the kids open the lunch boxes they've brought with them. They wash their hands, spread out a clean napkin and keep their lunch boxes on it. A variety of smells..pulihora, sambar rice, lemon rice, cauliflower and chapati enter my nostrils..and then they realize that I am not carrying a tiffin unlike them. So they all share their lunch with me..and i felt so nice about it..I mean it doesn't happen with you everyday that you share food with someone..especially since I have joined this corporate world.

Food was over, and we lined up for the planetarium visit..and I was bombarded with questions..half of which I could not even understand..wish I knew some Telugu! They were amazed by the stars..the vastness of the universe..and particularly liked the constellations. I could hear their "wows and whys" all through the show.

Once the show was over, and we headed off to the science museum. The concepts of science like friction, optics, energy, etc. were obviously alien to the 2nd graders, and it was too much to expect that they would understand them. So I just let them be..they loved the equipment..pedals..and cycles to convert mechanical energy to heat..a ball that kept hanging in the air because of air blowing out..some swings to understand pulleys..mirrors and lenses for optics..concepts that even I found long forgotten. We saw the dianosaurs' remains and soon it was time to wrap up. The kids were tired by now..and we assembled together for a small address by Major Raju, who was managing the center. Soon we were back on our way HOME. Most of the kids slept on the way..and the bus was quiet this time. On reaching back, we assembled in a hall, and the children seemed just getting out of control, as they found themselves in familiar surroundings. The brief sleep had probably replenished their energies, and it was all showing up well. And then suddenly..someone switched on the TV..to our utter consternation..all noise stopped immediately, and all eyes set towards the telivision set! This is the trick that they use to calm them down. After five minutes the TV was switched off. The manager of SOS said words of thanks to all of us..the kids handed over some greeting cards to us that said "Thank You", and the manager insisted that each kid should thank us from the bottom of their hearts for what we did today. I found this a little too much..as to why the kids should be so over-thankful..I mean..please just let them be like any other kids..why do we need to make them feel they are different..

While we were still assembled in the hall..one of the girls wanted to dress my hair..she pulled out my band..combed my hair with her tiny fingers..made a tight pony tail..and gave an approving smile..as if everything was okay now..need not mention..I was touched by the familiarity of this unknown girl...The last time when somebody did this to me was at the hostel I guess..and its been years now.

One of the girls looked at the greeting I had received, she was disappointed when she couldn't see my name on it. Then she decided to fix this. She borrowed a marker..then diligently copied the spelling of my name from my ID to the card..and handed it back..not to mention..with a smile again..God..did they have the slightest idea..they have made the day for so many people!

A few camera clicks happened after that, and the kids started scattering..

I also started tying the laces of my shoes..thinking it was a well spent day..and then..suddenly a hand gripped mine and said, "Akka, please come to my home na..pleeeeeeease, pleeeeeease!!"

A well spent day indeed!

[For the uninitiated, SOS Villages are homes for children. It would be unfair to call them orphangaes, as each child has a mother to take care, and a house to live in. He/she shares it with other kids, and all of them live as siblings. So these kids are no more orphans..they have a HOME to live in!]

:):):)

I am happy..don't ask me why..coz I myself dunno! Feels like there's some hidden joy waiting to burst out in this silent corner of my house..and all of a sudden, I realize that the key to my happiness is in my very own hands..I am sitting all alone in my house with nobody to share the Diwali sweets here in this remote place called Hyderabad..This is my first Diwali ever, away from home..and my mum's voice kinda chokes on phone while thinking of me. But I am surprised, at my own potential to keep myself brimming with this divine calmness..and it feels great by all measures.Its nice to be in your own control..especially for a girl, who's so damn emotional about things.
After a long while, I am happy for my own self, for the fact that I exist, for the truth, that I add value to my own life, if nobody else's. Something inside me wants to fly, and reach out to new dreams, spray fresh colors on some canvas..sounds good, especially when I just thought, Jindagi boring ho chali hai! Sorry, but I was wrong, there's still so much more to do, to learn, to create..life's just too short.
So got to hurry up..and sign off.
And yeah.."Happy Diwali"..Hope Life's a celebration for all...Amen!